Are you setting yourself on fire to give light to another?

As hard as it is to admit, if you had a history of childhood trauma, chances are you probably do this now either subconsciously or consciously.

I am here to challenge you now to reevaluate the efforts you make for others.

Why is it so hard to just let the pieces fall where they may when it comes to other people?

Yes, I like to believe we humans are by nature "good people", and maybe that's why you care endlessly.

But what about when it is actively hurting you?

How about when the dynamic is playing out your childhood trauma?

Can you love yourself enough to give up on them and choose yourself?

Giving up may feel hard because it goes against your conditioning.

We were conditioned to NOT ONLY pay attention to other people's emotions but also to manage them through out own behaviors.

This is a little something called Codependency.

Take my history for example:

I was born and bred to "help" others, even when the help was not asked for.

I was trained to be hypervigilant to other peoples unspoken needs and tip toe around them, making sure to not do anything that would make them feel worse.

Screw getting to know myself.

Screw being authentic.

Screw having my own feelings validated.

It was ALWAYS about "other" and how I could be of service to THEM.

Anyone else trained to be a rescuer, a psychologist, or a mediator?

The idea that everyone is accountable for their own feelings was not a lesson taught in my household.

Instead the lesson was, it was all about how much you could live in someone else's world and not make a mess of it.

The thing that happens as a result of this is now as an adult, you are always depending on other people to "complete" you, since you never really understood who "you" are... And we all know how that goes.

Thus the term co-dependency.

It is a never-ending cycle of disappointment, messed up boundaries, and disconnection.

And as much as you want to change it, this screwed up place feels comfortable to your psyche because it is a pattern your nervous system recognizes.

It doesn't matter if its good or bad, what matters is that it is familiar.

If you are bred for one thing, until you change, it, you'll always end right back up where you started:

Unfulfilled, chasing, and longing to be loved and understood.

So what does this look like in modern day, as an adult?

Examples of Adult Co-dependency:

• Saying yes when you want to say no to people.

• Tolerating one sided relationships.

• Being afraid to be yourself for fear of disrupting the status quo with someone.

• Feeling aggravated by the dynamics of a relationship but staying.

• Feeling lonely when you're with someone and not stating needs.

• Buying their love in anyway, like buying extravagant gifts when your ass is broke.

• Not staying true to your preferences and wants.

• Being in denial about certain behaviors you don't like.

• Avoiding the truth about someone to keep the relationship alive.

So WTF do we do about this?

Outside of therapy, trauma healing work, etc., there is one other thing to do on your own that can help accelerate your growth.

As I pondered this, I was clued into something called Wise Discernment.

It is recognizing that as you grow, you naturally develop a larger capacity with being uncomfortable. You learn to tolerate discomfort a lot better.

But at the same time, you become more sensitive to what your comfort zones are and you realize what might be misaligned with you.

You learn that do not have to put up with staying in the discomfort.

Meaning, if you find yourself over extending, sinking into codependent behavior, you have to pay attention to those cues of discomfort.

Likely, what us codependents have done is get comfortable with tolerating discomfort.

We have large capacities for discomfort, but we stay in it too long.

Chances are, you know what makes you uncomfortable and you do it anyways.

Why?

Because as kids we had no choice but to stay in it: Discomfort becomes our NORMAL.

So as adults, it is still our normal until we put the effort in to change it.

The more you can actually notice your discomfort, the more you can, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, understand yourself and start putting up those boundaries.

This is the Codependency Cure.

Please reach out and email me back for any comments or feedback!

🩷 Molls